I read an article the other day, “5 things I didn’t want to hear when I was grieving, and 1 thing that helped.” Briefly it was written by a woman who delivered triplets in 2013, 4 months early, and only one survived. She would know what a person would and would not want to hear. Here is her list of nots:
- Everything happens for a reason.
- They are in a better place.
- At least you have one survivor, count your blessings.
- You are still young. You can have more children.
- I don’t know how you do it. I couldn’t imagine losing two children.
I can relate. I heard them all (#5 being one child, not two). My child was born at 28 weeks, she survived – but with complications. She passed just short of her 16th birthday. My reaction was not so against #2, because she was out of the body that caused her so much pain. But that would be on the list of what is appropriate for the circumstance.
What inspired me to write about this was the one thing to say. Or not to say anything. Even today when Trina comes up I don’t want people to feel uncomfortable, I want to remember the joy of her. An old friend said to me not long ago “Oh I will always remember that wonderful smile.” I like that. Even more if someone is going through what I went through and asks questions. To be able to pass on what I learned from the experience means a lot. So, instead of saying something like #5, ask me to tell you a little about her. You can read more about her here June 11, 2015, and Nov 22, 2014
As we get older we experience more loss. That is just a simple fact. I realize how many people I have in my life that I care about. How when they hurt all I want to do if fix it for them. We give Hubby a hard time because he does this a lot; he just has to fix it. Unfortunately, often there just isn’t a ‘fix’. When someone you care about is hurting they just need to know you are there. Give a hug when you can. Weather it is a real one, or a virtual one, or by just doing something that makes them feel hugged XOXO