I got up this morning, pretty much normal, had breakfast, reading email (both work and personal come in on different BlackBerry’s, so yes I am a Crackberry addict).

I don’t even remember what set me off to begin with, I think it was carryover from last night.  As I was getting ready for bed one of my team emailed that he couldn’t update his time, nothing new given how smoothly this transition has gone… NOT  We have had a lot of little irritants since the beginning, and while I appreciate the promotion I got, that in and of itself has not been rewarding enough to offset the bureaucratic nightmare this has been.

BY the time I got down to my office I wasn’t happy, by the time tickets starting popping up on my screen I was angry.  No one thing, just a general anger at the whole situation.  I’ve never ever felt the desire to quit a job, change jobs sure, leave to do something new definitely, but never just to want to say the words “I quit”, until recently.

Mama Bear puts up with a lot from me.  I tend to thrive on challenge, 16 hour days, fixing things in the middle of the night when no one else can, coding for 24 hours straight, I get happier. So it has not been the technical challenges of the last few months.  Being traded/transferred to another company is something I have lived through with mergers and acquisitions before, but I have never been a part of one that was so disorganized and left people wondering where they belonged.

When this transfer was announced we were told our new company did this all the time, they are large  they take care of their people.  In hindsight maybe I should have seen it coming.  In truth, except for my own consulting company this is almost the smallest company I have ever worked for since I left fast food as a kid.  Not that they are that small, they are a global company, but the lack of management communication is almost insane.  In 6 weeks I have not spoken to my new manager once.  When I made enough noise to get noticed because my team had no communication and no single manager, they made me the manager for my team as their direct supervisor, but never updated any system so I can’t approve anything they need done or fix any problem.  The saving grace to the situation is they made another person who is a part of the transition my manager and my old management has been fantastic.  I still “belong” to my old bosses, but after years of having poor management we finally get a manager who cares and they trade pretty much the whole team into some sort of nightmare.  I still do the same job I did last year, but now I an employee of another company, which makes me a contractor, so not one of the trusted.  My old employer is already making waves about the contractors not having all the same access, so I am sure more frustration is on the way.

That brings me to another thing that floats around the back of my mind periodically, well a couple of related things; A long time ago I swore I never wanted to be a manager again.  I had enough of having to be the boss, it was one of the reasons thought number two never went anywhere.  When I was in the military I was an NCO, I had people working for me, I had a shop, I was a team chief and had teams, but I never enjoyed being the boss.  I didn’t mind running things, in fact I sort of enjoy being in charge, but I also enjoyed doing, I want to be hands on and technical.  I loved having my own company, but I didn’t want to drive it hard enough to go anywhere, I think I was always too chicken to put myself, or us into that level of risk and I never had a secure footing financially that I could drop the day job to really make the consulting go somewhere real.  Now I am wondering if I have lost something along the way.

Don’t get me wrong, in the corporate environment I don’t really want to be a mid-level manager, but someone has to and oh my God in this environment someone absolutely has to, so I am. But it is making me wonder if working 60 hours a week and juggling these things is really worth it, I could be a lot happier working 60 hours a week on my own techie stuff and be a lot happier.  And with technology today I could still do it from home for the most part.  It really makes me wonder where I am going right now; and even though playing the music really loud got me over being angry today, why do I feel like it won’t be the last time, and is that too high a cost for living life the way I want to?

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